I can't live without you
by redandbluetastepurple
Summary: What would have happened if Scully wasn't pregnant at the end of Requiem? How would she have coped with Mulder's death? And then his resurrection ? My interpretation.


**A/N:**Hey guys, this is my baby, please be nice to it :)

* * *

I can't Live Without You

by kenikigenikai

**Prologue**

Scully sat in the bath tub, fully clothed. Her saturated pajamas clinging to her. Her tears had long since dried up, so she just stared blankly at the bight white porcelain. She raised one arm from the water and waited for the ripples to still. She pressed the cold metal to her wrist, where she could feel the blood pounding. As she ran the blade against the vein, she felt no pain. There was nothing more painful than living. Living without Mulder. She watched the blood gush forth, its warmth ran down her hands and stained the water scarlet. She ran the knife over the other wrist, idly glancing at the door. Her eyes were heavy. The door was shaking. She was tired, so tired. The door burst open. Dark spots began to cloud her vision. Doggett stared at her for a single second,

"Agent Scully!" He shouted She smiled softly at him and allowed her eyes to close, one last time.

* * *

Mulder blinked as the room came into view, his head was pounding and his cheeks hurt like a sonofabitch.

"Mulder?" He heard a man's voice call him. That was weird, Scully normally stayed with him in hospital

"Huh" He tried to open his eyes

"Mulder?" The voice called him again He opened his eyes to see Skinner at the foot of the bed

"S...sir...where's Scu...cully..?"

Skinner looked pained "She's going to be fine"

"...going...to b...be..?"

"Rest, she needs you to rest"

Mulder wanted to argue, to find out what was wrong, but the drugs clouded his mind and he succumbed to sleep.

The next time he woke it was dark out, he tried to lift his head but it hurt too much

"Mulder" He heard Skinner's voice

"Sir?" He asked remembering their earlier conversation "Scully?"

"Mulder do you really think your strong enough for this?"

"I have to know"

"She's a few rooms down, she tried to kill herself"

"W...wha..." The room span "Why..?"

"You don't remember" Skinner sighed "What is your last memory"

Mulder glanced away from Skinner "We were in Oregon, Scully said she was cold, she'd been kinda ill for a while, we both thought the cancer was back but were putting off finding out. The last thing I remember was holding her, trying to get her warm an telling her to leave the x-files while she could still get a life. A life she deserved." He hadn't meant to let that much slip.

"Mulder, that was just over six months ago"

"What? What's happened?"

"You were abducted, then returned twelve weeks later. Dead." Mulder felt nausea grip him, and slid back into bed. "Scully hasn't coped well. The first two weeks she tried, for the sake of her family, but it didn't last, she starting drinking so she didn't remember, she went missing for a week, we finally found her at your apartment. She was totally out of it, talking to you, ignoring everyone else, the doctors said she hadn't eaten all that week and was lucky she hadn't died of alcohol poisoning. When she was released we made her stay with her Mom. Her brother, Bill I think, visited, he insulted you, she threw herself at him, completely lost control. She ran away and Agent Doggett found her at your apartment again, her wrists slit, in the bath. She was lucky, she lost a lot of blood but they stabilised her, she assaulted a doctor, he's got a broken jaw now, they had to restrain her. She's on suicide watch now and refuses to speak to anyone. No-one knows what to do, there's no doubt she'd try to kill herself given half a chance, they had to sedate her the nightmares were so bad, she'd wake up the whole ward screaming your name. I've never thought I'd see her cry, let alone break down to this level."

"Oh god Scully," Mulder murmured "Can I go see her please?"

"No Mulder you need to get stronger first."

* * *

Scully stared out the window, she could just about look out without injuring herself with the restraints. She sighed softly, why did Mulder have to die? She missed him so badly that it hurt, Bill had said he was better off dead. She showed him her thoughts on the matter, she smiled slightly. Mulder would have been proud. She had thrown herself at him, punching, kicking, scratching. There may have even been a little bit of biting. People thought she was insane, that wasn't true. She hoped. She did regret hitting the doctor but she didn't want to be in the hospital, she wanted to kill herself so she could be with Mulder, true suicide was a sin but she hoped God would understand how much pain she was in, living without Mulder, without him she was already in her own personal hell.

* * *

When he woke up again it was dark out but the clock told him he had been out for almost 24 hours. He felt a lot better. Skinner entered the room looking surprised that he was awake.

"Please, can I see her now?"

"I don't know Mulder, your still very weak..."

"With all due respect sir, I NEED to see her, to reassure myself she's alright, physically at least."

Skinner sighed "Fine. But don't let anyone see you." He found a wheelchair and helped Mulder into it, they snuck down into Scully's room. She was in a sleep so still it could only be achieved by sedatives or death.

"Oh. Oh sweetheart" Mulder breathed rolling closer to her. She was gaunt and pale, so thin she looked as if she may snap, her hair was lank and she had dark circles under her eyes. She had a few IV lines attached to her and a sheet pulled up to her neck. Mulder tried to find her hand only to discover it was tied down. "Oh my god" He whispered "Oh Scully" He held back tears at seeing his normally strong and resilient partner like this, he managed to get her hand from underneath the restraints and pressed a gentle kiss to it, there were a ring of bruises on her arm from where she'd tried to escape, Skinner informed him they had to be that tight because she'd already got out twice. That made him smile at least. At least she wasn't completely crushed. She began to stir and he brushed some hair from her face. She opened her eyes and stared at him for a long while before muttering to herself,

"Fantastic. Fucking fantastic! They lock me up in the god-damned psych ward then pump me full of hallucinogens! Now I'm seeing things! Jesus fucking Christ, I am a nut, that's why I'm here! Mulder used to call people nuts!" She began to cry "Fuck, fuck this, fuck everything!"

"Scully I'm real, I promise. I love you, I told you so when I was in hospital after you got me off that boat and you said 'Oh brother' then I said it again outside Skinner's office, you leant over and straightened my tie, I told you and and you smiled and said 'ditto'. C'mon Scully its me!"

"I'm making this up, this is nothing I couldn't have invented myself"

"Please Scully" She turned back around and ignored him. He tried to engage her again but she just stayed silent, tears streaming down her face. Mulder kissed them away before he reminded her that he loved her and left.

He met Skinner on the way back. "She thinks she's hallucinating" He said quietly.

"I'm sorry Mulder, I thought she'd be fine once she realised you were alive."

"I'll have to keep trying, I'll prove to her that I'm real, even if it's just so she doesn't have to cry any more."

Skinner helped him back into bed, both men regarded each other for a second. "Mrs. Scully will be by tomorrow, she wants to come visit you, she doesn't visit Scully any more. She hates that she ignores her."

"Okay," Mulder sighed, he was tired.

"Sleep Mulder, I'll come by again tomorrow."

"See you sir."

"Bye Mulder."

* * *

Scully thought to herself, she had seen Mulder before, a few days after she got back from Montana the Gunmen visited her with a couple of bottles, Jack Daniels, Smirnoff and half a bottle of Mulder's scotch, they drank and laughed, drank and reminisced, drank and cried. She found if she got drunk enough, the thoughts she had of Mulder would come to life. She knew it wasn't real but she knew him so well she could think up his response to anything. After that she drank more and more so she could see him again.

* * *

The nurses came and looked over him, he ignored them tying to figure out what he could do to make Scully see him, believe him and most importantly to trust him again. Each day he visited her and he occasionally got a few words out of her. Just as Skinner had said Mrs. Scully visited him.

"Hello Fox,"

"Hi Mrs. Scully, have you seen her yet? How is she?"

"I don't know Fox, I don't know her any more, I haven't really since she started working with you."

He bowed his head.

"I don't mean that in a bad way, of course I want to understand her but I've never seen her as happy as she is when she's with you, not even when she was little and her father came home"

"I miss her" Mulder confessed "I love her so much and she knows it, or at least she did. I broke my promise, I told her I'd never leave her and I did, I always hoped she would die first, I didn't want her to have to deal with any of this" He sighed

"She loves you Fox, she's just unable to believe your back. I was talking to Mr. Skinner, he said he'd never seen her cry, nor had anyone else in the FBI except you for that matter, but when they found you she sobbed and screamed and shouted. The man helping her find you tried to restrain her but she had completely lost it" Mrs. Scully wiped at a tear "She ran to find someone called Jeremiah Smith who had been healing other people but he was gone, taken away in a bright light just like you, she kept on shouting 'This is not happening! This is not happening'. The other FBI agents just looked scared apparently they call her the ice queen but she'd totally lost it right about then"

Mulder looked pained "I told her to say this is not happening when she was having nightmares. She stayed with me after Donnie Phfaster attacked her, every night for a month she'd wake up screaming unless I slept next to her. It was horrendous. I still hear her screams in my dreams"

"Mr. Skinner said she talks to you"

"Yeah, not much, she thinks she hallucinating, but I can get a couple of words out of her. I need to prove to her that I'm real but I don't know how"

Mrs. Scully stood up and smiled sadly "If there's anyone who can help her Fox it's you, Charlie is away at sea and deep down I know there's nothing he can do, Bill tried but his hatred of you got in the way, and I, I kept her prisoner, she'll never listen to me"

Mulder laid a hand on her arm and looked her in the eye for a moment "She'll come round Mrs. Scully, I'll make sure of it"

"Thank you Fox" Mrs. Scully was half way out the door.

"Is it true she attacked Bill?" He asked, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Yes" She smiled "He said something like, 'You need to pull yourself together Dana, he was just your partner for christsakes, and he was a nut case, he ruined your career and almost got you killed, that sonofabitch destroyed your life so get over it, your upsetting Mom and me. He's better off dead!' Dana threw herself at him, 5"2 vs 6"3, he was unconscious in under 10 seconds" Mrs. Scully smiled slightly "She left after that, we found her a week later in your apartment."

"Not my apartment, I was dead, it's her apartment"

"What do you mean?" "Everything I own except a few magazines goes to Scully when I die, my Mom died almost a year ago and my Dad died 4 and a bit ago now, until Scully sings it back to me she's the owner of two DC apartments, a house in Martha's Vineyard, a summerhouse in Quonochontaug and a small bungalow in Florida. And about $850,000" He added as an afterthought.

"Oh my goodness" Maggie muttered.

"And I would get everything of hers, it's been in our wills for years"

"Really, Dana's left everything to you"

"Uh-hu" He smiled Maggie bade him goodbye and left, greeting Skinner on the way out.

* * *

Scully replayed memories of the recent weeks, of the drinking and her more recent hallucinations. She was sure that she was hallucinating, but it seemed so real! She wanted to believe he was back so bad, but she also didn't want to be labled as insane, she needed to get out of the hospital, she needed to find a way to be with Mulder again.

* * *

Mulder sighed deeply to himself, he had visited Scully earlier that day, she had been a lot more responsive, she had told him she knew he wasn't there but she could talk to him anyway. He was still trying to figure out how to persuade her he was real. A few ideas crossed his mind but he disregarded them. C'mon Scully! He thought to himself, help me out here! He was so lost in thought he didn't notice the tall silhouette in the doorway.

"Mr. Mulder?" The man asked softly, apparently weary of Mulder's near slumber state.

"Hello?" He replied, he thought he recognised the voice "Bill?" He exclaimed.

"Yes, I've come to have a talk with you"

"Oh" Mulder sighed. This was going to be fun.

"May I come in?"

"Sure, pull up a good 'ole plastic chair" He joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere Bill glared slightly but complied with his request,

"I want to talk to you about my sister"

"What about her?" Mulder asked

"What you've done to her"

"_I've_ done to her? What about what you've done?" He raised his voice slightly

"I didn't come here to argue Mr. Mulder"

"I'm sorry, please continue"

"She has always had so much control, she never let anyone in, you've got past all that and nearly killed her with your own death. I want to know if you've acted on this. I dislike you. Very much in fact. If you weren't so ill, I'd have you up against a wall but I see now that Dana loves you, and it appears that you love her too. She's losing her mind and I need you to fix it, you're the only one that can."

"Uh" Mulder was lost for words "I, ah, I will. I promise I will do everything I can to save her"

"I just hope it's enough" Bill said softly "Good luck Mr. Mulder"

* * *

Mulder looked at Scully through the glass in the door. Her arms were moving more than usual beneath the sheets. They must have taken off some of the restraints he thought to himself, good, they scared him, they showed him the unstable side of Scully that he hadn't seen before, that she hadn't seen before. He looked back through the window, her sheets were turning red. Blood. BLOOD! He burst through the door, she was smiling slightly and muttering to herself.

"SCULLY!" He shouted "HELP ME!" He pulled her arms from under the covers, her almost healed wounds had been re-opened by a piece of plastic Scully had managed to steal, it's raggedy edge was stained with blood. He grabbed her sheets from around her and pressed them to the gaping slits. "HELP! HELP ME! NURSE! HELP!" He screamed as Scully paled further,

"...M...Mulder..." She sighed.

"Stay with me Scully! PLEASE!" Her eyes drooped "SCULLY!" He shouted, her eyes shot open "Stay with me!"

"...love...y...you..."

"I love you too Scully! Please don't leave me!" Her eyes slipped closed, her body went limp "SCULLY!" The nurses ran in, pushing him aside, he was dragged back to his room. One nurse hurriedly promised to keep him posted if he stayed put. He sat in a chair and prayed. Prayed for Scully. And for himself.

He visited her again the next day. She was in the ICU, but with a lot of pleading he'd managed to get in. Scully was asleep, paler than before, the circles underneath her eyes were darker and she was once again restrained – across the chest this time, so not to hurt her wrists. Mulder sat down beside her, holding her hands and caressing the large, bulky bandages that covered her wrists. He sighed and pressed a kiss to her forehead. She was a lot more unstable than he realised. That wasn't good.

* * *

The gunmen inched up the corridor shiftily. Frohike had his suit on again, Langley had on his tie t-shirt and Byers, well he looked pretty much the same. They glanced around and snuck into Scully's room, shutting the door behind themselves.

"Oh Dana." Byers sighed,

"Jesus Scully." Langley muttered, walking closer to her bedside,

"Dana..." Frohike trailed off, staring at her. He placed the flowers they'd bought in an empty vase by her bed.

"Oh lord." Byers sat down in the chair next to her bed, Langley sat in the other chair and Frohike stood at the foot of her bed. Byers took her hand "We're so sorry Dana. So, so sorry. We didn't know you'd react this way. We should have. We should have thought more. Mulder asked us to look after you if anything happened to him, and we failed. We failed him and we failed you. We're sorry. Please forgive us."

"Yeah Scully." Langley said "We should have done better"

Frohike wiped at his eyes, trying not to cry "Oh, Dana. I'm sorry. We've failed you. And Mulder. But we won't again. Next time you need us, you'll never get rid of us."

They sat by her bedside for a few more minutes, bade farewell and left.

* * *

Mulder visited her again. There was no change, she had lost a lot of blood, but she should be awake by now. He sighed at ran his fingers over her knuckles, she stirred slightly, wrinkled her nose, then stilled again. He waited a while longer. She was still out of it when he was kicked out by the doctors. They kicked him out every hour, but they knew he'd be back.

* * *

Scully opened her eyes and tried to scratch her nose. Her hand was pinned down. She tugged at the strap and winced. Ouch. What the hell had she done. Slit her wrists. Mulder was dead. Or was he? She was so confused. He was dead. She was sure. She had checked herself. And buried him. But what if he was back? Was that even possible? It was supposed to have happened before. Did she really believe that though? She should. She was catholic, it was possibly the biggest part of her faith. Could Mulder be the second man to rise in this way? Did she believe that. It was only then she noticed Mulder stood at the end of her bed, watching her.

"Scully, I am real. I promise."

"No, you're not, you were dead, I saw you!"

"But I'm back now, I'm not sure how but I am."

"How do I know?"

"You can't you just have to believe."

She looked him straight in the eye "I want to believe." She was silent after that, refusing to say anything else.

After 10 minutes Mulder left. At the door, only just loud enough to hear he whispered "That's all I'll ever ask."

* * *

Bill sighed sadly. His sister was dying. He was sure of it. Maybe her good-for-nothing partner wasn't so, well, good-for-nothing. He kept her alive at least. Alive and moderately happy. However much he wanted to ignore it, she had been happy with him, and, he conceded reluctantly, he had tried to keep her safe.

From first-hand experience he knew how hard that could be. Dana did not do anything she didn't want to. She was as stubborn as a mule when she wanted to be. He blinked repeatedly, keeping the suddenly accumulating wetness forming there at bay. She was his sister, he loved her, and he knew he had been wrong about certain aspects of her life. He just wished he could tell her.

Mulder limped over to the window outside his partner's room. Bill was stood there, peering in, his posture defeated. He came to a stop beside him.

"Hey,"

"Oh, it's you."

"Yeah, sorry, I know you don't like me."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"I know. But I also know you hate me, Scully did mention it." Bill winced at his use of 'Scully'.

"I'm sorry, I forgot you don't like me calling her that."

"It's not you calling her it. It's the name Me, Charlie, Dana and Dad were all called Scully because of the navy or FBI, we're all at risk, the surname shows it. It's scary to hear you call her that outside of work. It reminds us that she's always at risk, at risk because of your work."

"It's both our work now. She's in as deep as I am."

"Exactly." Bill turned back towards the window, his face reflected back in the glass, "I don't mean to sound accusatory, well I did but,"

"Yeah, I know," He looked apologetic

"Sorry, but it hurts."

"What?"

"It's hurts that she loves you more than us. I know it's ridiculously hypocritical of me because of Tara, but you two aren't even together, let alone married, and she would still stick with you after everything, even when we've begged her to stop."

"I understand where you're coming from."

"How could you?"

"I'm a big brother too, I haven't had as much experience as you, but I know what I'd be like... if I ever got Samantha back. And I love her, more than you do. Much more-"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Bill, if you had to kill Dana or Tara which would you pick?"

"How could you ask me that?"

"Just choose."

"...Dana. I'd kill Dana."

"Exactly, and I would save Dana over anyone. Anyone in the entire world. I love her."

"If you love her that much why don't you leave her, let her have a life, a real life, where she isn't in constant danger."

"Because it would end like this," He gestured to Scully "For the both of us."

Bill sighed again "I guess you're right..."

"I am, I wish she could have the life I want for her,but we too close now, it'd kill us."

The sceptical glance Bill sported was more than a little familiar.

"Bill, I promise to do all I can to save her, for my sakes too."

"...Thanks. I was wrong about you Mr. Mulder."

Mulder stared at him, mouth slightly agape "Thank you, I guess..."

"Yeah, well, uh, thanks, for looking out for her. She was never going to change her mind about the FBI. Especially after we'd all tried to stop her. She could have done a lot worse partner-wise than you."

"You can say that again, last time she had a different partner he shot her!"

"WHAT?"

"She never told you about that did she?"

"No!"

"Don't worry, I beat the crap out of him, he's too scared to come within a mile of her, reputations aren't always a bad thing."

Bill grinned slightly "If you weren't a psycho UFO chasing sonofabitch who was in love with my sister, we might just get along."

"Yeah," He smirked and peered over Bill's shoulder into Scully's room. She was still asleep.

"Remind her that we all love her if she wakes up while you're here."

"I will." Mulder promised

* * *

"Agent Mulder?" Her doctor asked, as he approached her room. Mulder was lent up against the wall, so he could still see in through the window.

"Uh, hi." He stood back up straight.

"Has she woken up yet?"

"No, she's completely out."

"May I ask why you're stood out here, they're chairs in there."

"I know, but it creeps her out when I watch her sleep."

"Right..." The doctor stared at him oddly

"And it wakes her up."

"Oh, okay. I'm going in to see her, do you want to come?"

"Sure." He limped in and sat down by her bedside.

The doctor began to examine her wrists, then re-bandaged them. He checked her pupils, then shrugged at Mulder. "She should be awake by now, I'm not sure if there's a deeper issue or if she's faking it. I don't think she's insane, but her actions speak differently, she may just be pretending. She is a doctor."

"Yeah, I'll stay with her for a while."

"Okay, call a nurse if she wakes up." The doctor smiled reassuringly at him and left, shutting the door firmly behind him.

It was eight o'clock by the time one of the bossier nurses kicked him out of Scully's room with a sad smile. He left quietly, not in the mood to make a scene. He sat in his room and clutched her crucifix. She had given it to him before he left for Oregon and he was yet to give it back, the doctors wouldn't allow her to have anything she could cut or strangle herself with. He tied it back around his neck and fell asleep. He dreamt of the day she could have it back.

* * *

Scully stared at the ceiling. The only way she could die was to escape and kill herself before they got to her. A plan began to formulate in her mind.

* * *

Mulder was signing the papers, to release himself from the hospital.

Skinner jogged into the room "She's gone"

"What?"

"Scully. She's got out again."

"What?" He repeated "How?"

"She wriggled free, and climbed out the window."

"Oh my god. She could be anywhere!"

"I know. They think she may make another attempt on her own life."

"Holy crap!"

"Yeah. We need to find her."

"What are we waiting for then?" Mulder threw the clipboard at the nurse, grabbed the leather jacket he had on the back of the chair, and flew from the room, leaving Skinner in his wake.

* * *

Scully peered over the edge. The traffic sped around beneath her, oblivious. The cars looked like the little cars her nephews played with. The people were tiny specks on the grey landscape below her.

* * *

Mulder slammed the car into reverse and parked. He knew where she'd go. His phone rang. Skinner. He hung up, then ran up the stairs.

* * *

Scully stepped out of her shoes, and pulled her jacket tighter around herself. She looked over the edge again and steeled herself for the fall. She was shaking. Not with fear but with the anticipation of seeing Mulder-the real Mulder-again.

* * *

His phone buzzed again. Skinner still. "What?" He answered

"Mulder? Have you found her?"

"No. But I know where she is."

"What? Where?"

"I'll call you when I'm sure"

"Wh-" He hung up and flung open the door, Scully was stood at the edge, looking so much shorter than normal without her heels. She was looking over the edge, wearing what he realised was his old leather jacket, he had thrown it in the back of a cupboard somewhere and forgotten he had it. She obviously hadn't.

"...Scully..?" He called tentatively.

"Wha..? Am I dead?" She asked "Have I jumped?"

"No. That's why I'm here."

"What? What do you mean? You're dead!"

"No Scully. I'm alive. Alive and well."

"NO! I buried you." She shook her head, then looked back over the edge, edging closer.

"Scully! STOP!" He shouted She stumbled slightly and he jumped forward, catching her and holding her tight. She stiffened. "Scully, let me prove I'm real"

With that he took her face in his hands and pressed a kiss to her lips. She froze, but just as he was about to pull away she opened her mouth, crushing her lips closer to his. They broke apart and stared at each other in silence for a moment.

"I believe you" She whispered. He pulled the cross out from underneath his shirt and clasped it around her neck, letting his fingers rest on her skin for a few extra seconds.

"Good" He kissed her again, their tongues duelled passionately, re-finding themselves. Their hands roamed, Mulder's cupped her breasts and her hands slipped under his shirt, running over his muscles. They were interrupted by Skinner dashing onto the roof, followed by a selection of other agents and EMT's.

"MULDER! SCULLY!" He yelled They broke apart, although Mulder kept his arm around her waist.

"I, uh, found her..." Mulder offered

"I, ah, see" Skinner stuttered

"Yeah, if you guys would like to wait, like, 5 minutes, we'll be right down." Scully turned back and kissed Mulder.

He waved his hand in their direction in a dismissive gesture.

* * *

**A/N2** Whadda ya think? I've spent months working on it, so I really hope you guys enjoy it. Please Review, Favorite ect, so I know you do :D


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